Going Through the Motions

Everyone likes to recall all the eventful moments of the past year. We want to remember all that was extraordinary and that brought us joy. When I rummage through my mind, I can acknowledge a lot of occasions to celebrate. However, this year there is only one thing, this single event that completely changes my outlook. All memories have to go through this solitary event. I can only say to you that I lost someone I loved very dear. I didn't know how much I loved him nor how important he was until he left. I do believe I wept for entire month. Whether that is accurate or not, I just can't bring to my remembrance anything else. Nevertheless, the tears soon evolved into anger. I was angry about losing him, about not spending enough time with him, and about how he left his affairs. The funny thing is that I know I conducted daily chores this year...I took trips, celebrated birthdays, and had fun. There is evidence of all of this in my digital camera. Yet when I take time to think back, it is as if that was a day or two and the whole rest of the time was just me walking in a fog. An angry tear stained fog was what greeted me in the morning and lulled me to sleep at night. All I did was imitate someone living. I didn't feel any of it. I wanted to break through the cloud and just feel something. When I gaze back on this year, it was a series of attempts to feel, to engage, to care. I can only hope I do not turn into a pyre of salt as I reflect on 2008.